The Birth of Oak

Posted by Jan 12, 2021 Uncategorized
The Birth of Oak
Pregnancy and preparing for birth amidst a worldwide hypnosis was a trying journey. Lonely at times, accompanied by a heart filled with rage and a longing to keep the sisterhood alive, I stayed true to my instincts and spent much time in nature and tending to my family. Conceiving this child with the intention of he being my last, his spirit came to me while on spiritual retreat. Walking up the big hill, surrounded by Oak trees I felt the strength of the ancients with me, wanting to come through me, though I didn’t know why.  I had just completed the composition of my life vows with Sister MorningStar and was also steadily working on my Sutra chanting work. Deep on my spiritual journey and commitment to using my Voice to speak my truth with integrity and clarity, I wondered if I possessed the courage.
Almost 9 1/2 moons pregnant and deep into the heat of August, I felt huge, exhausted and not at all prepared for birth. Looking after the farm and children, with my husband away long hours at work, I longed for one full day of rest…and to not, Goddess willing, go into labour at night. Please, let me sleep first!
One evening after a long day, I laid my head on my pillow heaving an extended sigh of relief. Not two minutes later, my waters released! Oh no! I was terribly cranky. I didn’t want to labour at night. I didn’t think I had the strength to do so. I called upon my two sisters, and told them to come.
It was not an easy process. Up and down the stairs, in and out of the bath, on the floor and standing up, I moved every which way praying for baby to come through. There I was, impatient and wondering why I had chosen to do ‘this’ again, half submerged in a lukewarm bath staring at a flickering candle flame.
A voice came to me and whispered, “You are the bringer of the dawn. You ARE the bringer of the dawn. YOU are the bringer of the dawn. You are the BRINGER OF THE DAWN”  It was like a mantra, over and over and over again. I got an overwhelming urge to shout at my sisters in the other room, “Ladies!! WE are the Bringers of the Dawn! WE are bringing forth the future! We are birthing a new generation, just what the world needs right now!”
I didn’t say it.
A few hours later, as the sun’s rays were peeking out over the treetops, I gave birth to my fifth child and second son, Oak. I was the Bringer of the Dawn!  Mother to this unique child. Moments afterward I recounted to my sisters the vision I had received and they exclaimed, “Oh! We WISH you would have told us in the moment! We would have loved to hear it!”
I had been given a chance by the Great Mother herself to use my voice, to allow her to work through me, to speak what needed to be heard by the Sisterhood. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I had to give birth in the darkness to bring forth the light. I saw how important it was and IS, not only for me, but for everyone. I must speak my truth and the truth that comes through me, with the steadiness of the great Oak tree and the grace of a High Priestess.
Living as Mother of this child, his every breath will be a gentle whisper for me to live my vows, to exist fiercely and on purpose, to speak confidently and with integrity, to be clear and to hold my head high like the proper Queen of my Queendom. Not only for myself and for my family, but for my community and global community of sisters. 
 
May it be so.
 
~~ Mara (Bringer of the Dawn)

Self Led Prenatal Care

Posted by May 21, 2020 Uncategorized
Self Led Prenatal Care

“Within the wild psyche are a woman’s fiercest instincts for survival. But, unless she practices her inner and outer freedoms regularly, submission, passivity, and time spent in captivity dull her innate gifts of vision, perception, confidence, and so forth, the ones she needs for standing on her own.” ~ Clarissa Pinkola Estés

Since the dawn of time up until only one or two generations ago, wimyn have been giving birth at home within their family and village. In fact, this is still the case in many parts of the world through indigineous and intact cultures, as well as by wimyn claiming their power all over the western world.  Pregnancy and birth is a normal and healthy physiological process, which when honoured and revered, is the safest and most whole place for mother and baby to be. 

Who Is The Instinctual Womyn?

The Instinctual Womyn is clear in her purpose and boundaries. She has the insight and prowess of the Jaguar, with the ability to understand the world from the view of the Eagle. She possesses the poise and confidence of the great Oak Tree, with the softness and attention to detail of the woodland Deer. She knows who to keep close and how to watch for predators. She protects her home, her baby and her children with a fierceness known to a great Mama Bear and is not afraid to release her fury when appropriate.

She is kind, not nice and has the wisdom to know the difference.

Pregnancy for the Instinctual Womyn is a continuation of her integrated way of being in the world. She eats nourishing foods regularly, takes rest when she tires, goes about her daily work and duties as normal, cares for those around her, meets with her sisters daily and spends time outdoors. She has her daily practices and doesn’t delay in meeting her own needs. She certainly doesn’t allow those she doesn’t know or trust near her body or baby and trusts in the divine mystery that is CREATION itself. She is a direct channel for the life force that surges through all living things, she is Mother Nature herself.

 

Self Led Prenatal Care

Prenatal Care at home means that a womyn meets all of her own needs, easily, with the support of wise wimyn around her.

Here are some key elements of a healthy home pregnancy:

 

Sisterhood & Community

Having other wimyn to connect to on a regular basis is a touchstone of prenatal health. In traditional cultures, wimyn meet everyday at the well to gather water or in the markets on their daily food runs or in the streets where the children play together freely. They know when so and so had a sleepless night or when their friend’s mother in law was being particularly annoying and so on. Sharing the ups and downs of daily life is what wimyn do!

In the absence of the physical village, we can recreate this by joining pregnancy groups, creating our own circle of friends to talk with daily, attend prenatal villages, prenatal classes and virtual chats and phone calls. We do what we can with what we have, we always have. Avoiding isolation and loneliness is so important to the instinctual nature.

 

Herbs

Traditional native plants have always been a potent source of vitamins, minerals and medicine for wimyn. The village midwives always knew this and this knowledge was passed to the pregnant mothers. Herbs and native plants contain bioavailable nutrients that far surpass any synthetic vitamins.  Pregnant mothers knew to increase their intake of these herbs through teas, tinctures, and as additions to soups and cooked meals.

Here are a some particularly nutrient dense herbs for pregnancy that are delicious blended into a tea:

Nettle – This dark green plant grows abundantly in the Spring in our area and offers a plethora of rich vitamins and minerals.

Raspberry Leaf – Known as a uterine tonic and synonymous for wimym’s health, this plant is excellent to drink in abundance as a tea in the third trimester.

Oatstraw – Calming and soothing to the nervous system as well as an emollient.

Peppermint – Soothing to the digestive tract and a delicious addition to the above herbs as a tea blend.

Mix equal parts of the above dried plants for a delicious and nutrient dense daily tea.
Nourishing Foods

Healthy, whole foods are such a tremendous part of the Instinctual Womyn’s self led pregnancy. She must eat regularly and in small quantities to meet the growing demands of her increased energy output and growth of baby. Eating small meals regularly helps to combat blood sugar instability, regulates mood and energy levels, helps to keep nausea at bay in the first trimester and provides a steady stream of nutrients.

These days the challenge for a pregnant mother (especially one with other children) is to remember to feed herself first. Always have a basket of snacks and a few thermoses of drinks on hand.

In traditional cultures, a pregnant womyn would be fed by her midwife, mother, grandmother, sisters and other wimyn in her village. We can bring this into practice by always bringing an offering of healthy food to a womyn with child. She must be nourished.

This becomes increasingly important the more children she has and especially if she is breastfeeding another child. Every bite counts. There is no room for junk or processed foods as these lead to complications.

Foods that are easy to digest are important as the whole system slows down.  Foods that are emollient so as to not cause constipation, an issue that can arise if a womyn is consuming too much dairy, animal fats, packed and processed foods.

Ideally, a mother would be consuming easy to digest nutrient dense soups and stews, an abundance of fresh greens, wild foods and herbs, in season fruits and vegetables, beans and grains as they work for her body, a small amount of animal foods if she chooses that, sprouted and roasted nuts and seeds, smoothies and fresh juices, bone broths and veggie broths, sea vegetables, fermented foods and dark chocolate.

She will know by how she feels and you will know by the vitality in her face and body. Is her colour good? How is her mood? Does she have energy to do her daily work and go for long walk everyday? How are her bowel movements and how often does she eliminate? How is she sleeping? What is her outlook on life? How does she feel in her body? Agile and strong or weighed down and lethargic? All of this and much more can be helped with food.

Every womyn is different. What works for one may not work for another. Each culture has a traditional diet and they all work, as long as they are natural.

Movement

Keeping a normal level of daily activity and increasing stamina as the pregnancy progresses is a good practice.

In Japan, after the first trimester pregnant wimyn carry on with daily household duties plus are encouraged to walk 5 miles per day. They also participate in group prenatal fitness classes weekly and swim as much as they can. The Indigineous wimyn in Guatemala walk to market each day to gather their daily foods, keep up with their homes and regularly take Temazcal, or sauna to sweat, relax and remove impurities from the body.

Walking, stretching, gardening, dancing, household chores, lifting other children are all examples of everyday, instinctual ways of moving that are so healthy for pregnancy. We never sat around in chairs or couches most of the day, a good thing to remember.

Ritual & Practice

The Instinctual Womyn has many practices that keep her connected to her spiritual nature.

Daily meditations and prayer, chanting, singing, affirmations, care of home altars, honouring nature and her cycles, saunas, journaling, talking with womb baby and dreamwork are all examples of bringing the sacred into the everyday.

Connecting to the divine keeps her faith and strength in the journey.

Time In Nature

We don’t all live in nature, but we can all access her one way or another. Wimyn in Hungary who lived in tiny flats in the city with no green space keep potted herbs and pepper plants outside the door and house plants crowding their windows.

When pregnant and living in a tiny flat in Denmark with two small children, I would paint pictures of gardens and trees and post them above my altar to look at each day. There is a way, but nature is our home and we must have a daily connection to her.

Ideally a pregnant womyn would be able to breathe fresh air, drink clean water, put her feet on the earth, walk for miles and howl at the moon!

 

 Boundaries

Like the she wolf, her boundaries must be fierce and strong. She may have to limit contact with certain family members and friends with opinions or neighbours with advice. She certainly will need to curb her consumption of social media and generic entertainment in general. She is best to take up hobbies that encourage the instinctual nature to arise and connection to her clarity of mind, such as making art, handcrafts and creating beauty.

 

She is a temple of life itself, afterall!

 

Baking Beans and Building Sisterhood

Posted by Jul 17, 2019 Mystical Mama Yoga
Baking Beans and Building Sisterhood

“I am indigenous” she said as we made our first introductions.

“Some of my students say that they have machines at home that wash their clothes and that they have hot water for showers. Me, I don’t see the point! Cold water is so refreshing!” My spanish teacher held her head high and waved her hands in the air as she said so.

She raised two sons and a daughter and was a retired public school teacher. Manuella often recounted what she prepared for dinner the night before. I learned how to soak and cook beans the Guatemalan way, while she laughed at my frustration to get my daughter not to pick her nose (reminding me that she still had to tell her 20 year old son to put away his folded laundry).

“Motherhood is about repitition” she laughed.

She held my shoulder when I cried over our seeming never ending sickness and brought me to the pharmacy to buy an electrolite drink. Which was gross, but did work. She brought my daughters homemade empanadas, bargained for me at the mercados and taught me about the Guatemalan genocide. I found her beautiful, smart and interesting, and I always had questions with me to ask before our grammar lesson. Truly, I loved our conversations about motherhood, womanhood and culture the most.

I hadn’t realized how much I craved this type of companionship from a nurturing woman. In person, in the flesh, in real time where we could see, smell and touch each other. I had come to Guatemala to study, having no idea it would turn out to be a place I’d return to year after year and continue to forge deep connections. Perhaps most importantly, I became convicted that we as wimyn must come together, in real time, to feel and learn from one another. In messy kitchens, amongst laundry piles, cranky children, hair unwashed but souls intact. Communing in spaces where we are talking, sharing stories, laughing and crying together. Where we are drinking tea, breaking bread and bringing of ourselves, as we are. I’m afraid that when we don’t hear and feel one another, we become isolated and lonely. We lose our wild natures and instincts, become sad and wonder why, become dry and overworked and desperate for something, anything that offers a shred of connection. Keeping women and especially mothers, looking at screens of curated photographs and superficial story telling deprives us of our deep need to nourish and be nourished. And it makes us unhappy in our lives.

Authentic relations are forged around the kitchen table, on the living room floor, in conversation at the local farmer’s market, during the forest hike and at the playground with children. They are done in real time. Yes, in this day and age of appearing picture perfect, it takes work to gather, to be seen.

How do we start?

Invite a woman over for tea. What begins as a one on one hang out turns into a revolution. The womyn surrounded by her circle cannot be beat, cajooled, or swayed. She is unique yet supported, loved, held and understood. Stronger together, let’s not wait for the ‘perfect time’ to be seen.

 

Why You Need To Become A Mystical Mama

Posted by Sep 18, 2018 Mystical Mama Yoga
Why You Need To Become A Mystical Mama

Whether you are an established Yoga teacher, a doula, a healthcare practitioner, a mother, a gatherer of wimyn or all of the above, our 10 day Mystical Mama training and retreat is an enriching learning experience you don’t want to miss.  Chances are very high that you are serving a pregnant womyn, especially a sister, friend, client or student. Learning how to safely nurture our mothers is the cornerstone to building healthier communities all over the globe!

A pregnant womyn is a living, breathing and walking temple of creativity and grace. She needs to be encouraged to listen to her body, to spend time in nature, to eat nourishing foods and to move in safe and primal ways. Yoga to the pregnant mother is so nurturing to both herself and the baby within. Yoga may be the only time in her day that she carves out to be connected with self and breath and baby, making this a beautifully sacred time in her life. She may be encouraged by the dominant culture to just live as normal, however, we believe she is to be treated like a Goddess!

Here are 5 things that you will learn in our Mystical Mama Training:

  1. How To Tailor A Yoga Class For Pregnant Mothers

Our program is hands on and experience based. It is rooted in hours of detailed posture break-downs, practice teaching and class design. If you are a current Yoga teacher, you will learn how to teach specific prenatal yoga classes or modify all poses to suit your pregnant students in all level classes. If you don’t teach yoga but work with pregnant wimyn, you will learn how to add private yoga sessions into your scope of practice. If you are curious for yourself and your circle of friends, you will learn how to design a personal prenatal yoga sequence that will be beneficial information for a lifetime!

  1.  How To Honour All Aspects of the Divine Feminine

We spend a lot of time learning multiple ways to lavish and dig deep into the life of the pregnant mother. We explore topics of nourishment and nutrition, how to examine her dreams and day visions, how to conduct a sacred Mother’s Blessing, how to make and use plant medicine and placenta remedies, body butters, sacred art and more!

  1.  What Holistic Pregnancy, Birth and Motherhood Look Like

Our whole training is broken down into trimesters and we journey deeply into each stage of pregnancy, including anatomy and physiology. We also give you the opportunity to undergo your own unique transformation through the trimesters, birth and postpartum phases. We explore how wimyn give birth not only to babies, but how in fact we hold the very seeds of creation in our womb space at all times! One of the most exciting cultural and deep learning experiences of the training is the afternoon we sit and learn from the Indigenous Guatemalan midwives over tea and snacks.  

  1. How To Create Ceremony and Care For Self

We won’t just be speaking about Yoga in pregnancy, we will be living and embodying the very essence of this transformation over our 9 nights and 10 days together.  From daily meditations and yoga classes, to journeying through the Peruvian medicine wheel, sharing delicious meals together, hiking up volcanoes, swimming in Lago Atitlan, sharing circles in the tea house ~ we will have so much time to learn, grow and retreat together!  

  1.  How To Take This Information Back Into Your Communities

This course was created and taught by Mothers, doing the work of creating and birthing babies and raising those babies while serving their respective communities. It takes a village! And we want to learn and share alongside you. We want to share what works for us, and we want to know what works for you. We will share and create real plans for how to create wimyn’s circles and how to integrate our learnings into the world.

We can’t wait to see you in Guatemala this January 6-15!  Come and join us! Space is limited to ensure a deeply connected and intimate group so register today to avoid disappointment.

**Image captured by Adelaide Rogers Photography

Musings At Four Weeks Post Partum

Posted by Jan 25, 2018 post partum ,
Musings At Four Weeks Post Partum

I think there are as many post partums as there are wimyn. Each taking on their unique flavour and essence as Mothers learn their new dance with beloved baby, a tango where both partners take turns in the lead. Days melt into nights into days again, one heavy dream like haze of altered and heightened reality. It’s a beautiful phase. One that never returns unless another baby comes, and yet, that experience will differ completely. It’s an intensely magnified halo of reality, with raw emotions taking everyone in the family on a wild ride, but especially the Mother. Many insights can be gained in this period between worlds, and a Mother can learn much from gazing at her newborn and intentionally closing the energetic gap that inevitably exits upon baby’s exit from her womb and entrance into the world.

The Post Partum time has garnered a new flair over the recent few years, and with good reason. Most wimyn and communities in the west have lost touch with the sacredness of post baby arrival. It is important to nurture our Matriarchs, and for them to nurture themselves. To ensure the health of them and their families and our society, for generations unto themselves. There is no perfect way, and as we shift and evolve, we need only to have the knowledge at our fingertips, the ability to articulate our own unique needs and the courage to orchestrate that which will best serve ourselves and our families.

I too have had a few post birth experiences, from doing nothing differently (treating a miscarriage like a normal monthly bleed), to having a halo of wimyn in my community nourishing me for 30 days after Selah was born.

As I reflect at one month post birth with my son, Odin, I see another baby born in a foreign land, a strong family unit, intense love and adoration, and understanding and support from an ocean’s difference. There are aspects of this cacooning that I adore and with a third baby, I believe an ease of knowing that couldn’t be there as a first time Mother. Although physically outside my community, I am very much upheld and loved from afar by friends and family who take great care to nurture and ‘sit’ with me over email and video chats.

My post partum has been quite simple, yet nourishing and I feel much gratitude for Odin and I’s good health and strength. During pregnancy and through autonomous birth, a womyn has the opportunity to bring herself to a place of great power, which can be harnessed and grown as she integrates in the weeks and months after birth. She can become even stronger than she was, not weakened by the increased demands of family life.

JP had four days off work, including the day that Odin was born. During this time, I floated from the bed to the living room and back (in our tiny apartment), enjoying the other children in their Christmas joy. He handled the meals and brought me hot tea, warmed my body with oil massages and took the children out to play. Even as he transitioned back to work, I continued to stay in the cave with Odin and he brought the girls outside, bought groceries and took on a lot of the day to day household runnings.

I began moving my body right away as it felt good to me, light stretches, gentle Qi Gong and Tai Chi in the first week. By the second I was easing into a gentle yoga practice and took myself outside for a few walks without Odin. I also eased into visiting the gym and have thoroughly enjoyed feeling the strength and vitality of my body. Not following any ‘rules’ but gaging my own energy levels and mood, scaling back when necessary. It felt satisfying to get back in the kitchen to prepare meals for my family, to create art with the kids and keep our space clean. Odin and I have had limited to no interaction with the outside world this last month which has been very healing for my nervous system and important for his integration on our earthly plane as well. I’ve been eating differently from my family, mostly soups and warming curries, but it’s been no trouble to have varying food options available that suit all our needs.

Currently, writing these thoughts down in my fifth week with Odin, I feel creative and vital, ready to connect with the world in ways that feel satisfying and also able to soundly do the necessary day to day things. I have a grounded understanding of what feels nourishing and what drains. My patience levels inform my capabilities for that day, as by far my biggest challenge is keeping pace with the older children. I’m learning how to keep balanced in this new family of five, coming out anew, rather than trying to get back to how I was.

My passion for the post partum has evolved to value each unique birth and Mother, to see her transformation as an opportunity to be stronger than she was, and to be thankful to have the many tools at my fingertips to help make this a reality. Hail the Matriarchs in their courage and fortitude! In their grace and love shall we find peace.

The Free Birth of a Sun King ~ Baby #4

Posted by Dec 29, 2017 birth stories
The Free Birth of a Sun King ~ Baby #4

The story of Odin begins about a year before he was born, when his spirit appeared to me in a dream while teaching the Mystical Mama YTT in Guatemala.  I dreamt that I birthed a son, that he had olive skin and dark hair, and that I walked around Lake Atitlan holding him in my arms. It was a vivid dream, being that my fertility was returning and knowing that JP and I were open to welcoming another child into our family. Although the dreams and visions in this particular place in Guatemala are potent, I couldn’t believe that I could actually have a boy child, seeing as how I had had all girls so far!

I became pregnant in March, when we returned to our home in Canada and immediately after returning from Mexico.  I had just spent two weeks teaching a yoga retreat, but also receiving abundant sun, nourishment, friendship and introspection. It was at the end of this retreat that I decided to let go of my ‘yoga business’ and focus inward on developing my gifts and following my inner guidance. I was feeling quiet and internal, peaceful and open.

When my moon cycle didn’t come that month, I knew! I spent the first 6 months of Odin’s pregnancy mainly in the quiet and peace of our home at Wild Berry Farm. It was new territory for us, a new home, so I took great joy in watching the land bloom, in working the gardens, in delighting in my children’s play, in collecting herbs, in swimming in the lake, in soaking up wimyn’s circles and gatherings with my friends and just indulging in life’s pleasures…in every way. I felt internal and contemplative, but also very beautiful and feminine, full of abundance and vitality. My dreams were ever vivid and I spent a lot of time journaling, processing, going for long walks, practicing yoga and staying nourished.

At the end of August, we left our home for Scandinavia, the norse land of Denmark, for JP’s work. I always knew that this baby would be born outside of my community, as Szerafina was.  What was different about this birth, was that it was to be just myself and my husband and children.  I knew that’s what I was being called to do. It felt very right, very natural. It did require a level of inner work that I hadn’t done before, and I certainly relied on my community of wimyn from afar.  At a particularly vulnerable time, I received a dream in which I was shown a Bear, which a dear friend helped process with me. The She Bear births alone in her cave, in strength and courage. Bears can also signify the birth of a boy. It was the first time I received Bear medicine and she offered me warmth, comfort and wisdom. I felt very loved and adored. JP took great care to support me in having my time to care for myself and baby each day, truly the greatest gift a partner can do. There was never a doubt in his mind on what we were doing, I had his full faith, love and trust. It was really the ideal place to have a power birth from, for me.

Szerafina came at 40 weeks and Selah came at 39, so I was sure Odin would come between this time as well! I was completely surprised to reach 41 weeks and another full week to 42. ‘Due dates’ are guesses and babies come when they’re ready….it’s all part of the Great Mystery. However, I have to admit that I was beginning to get impatient, encroaching my 42nd week.  I woke up the morning of December 22, just after the Solstice, looking first at my altar and then feeling my belly…still pregnant. JP took the girls out grocery shopping while I cleaned our place. After vaccuuming, I took a shower and sat at my altar for a quiet meditation and rest before my family would return. I began as I always do these days, with a mantra gifted to me by a sister and by calling in my guides, spirits, friends and ancestors. I then laid down for just a few minutes when I felt the soft release and wetness of my waters give way.  I was curious, as I was only feeling mild practice contractions, similar to what I’d been feeling over the last weeks and months.

I got up to change when JP and the girls walked in. Selah was half naked because she threw up all over herself at the grocery store!  I told JP that I think my labour had started and he began putting things away while I helped Selah down for a nap. I stayed in the bedroom with her, as sensations were coming now, strongly and steadily. It felt really good to stand up and move my hips through this part. Things were intensifying, so I decided to get into the shower, where I shifted from standing to squatting as the warm water washed over me. JP came in to periodically check on me, but I preferred to be alone at this point. I couldn’t feel a head, although each wave felt a bit ‘pushy’. I got out of the bathroom and returned to my cave, squatting and on all fours, feeling so taken by the labour process. At this point I wanted JP in the room, to be close to me. This baby was coming, fast and furiously and I wasn’t holding back. His head felt so big as it was emerging that I questioned what part of his body was coming out first!  When his head was born, I reached around to feel and I shouted at JP not to touch me or the baby.  It wasn’t JP, it was Odin’s body working his way inside me to turn so that his shoulders and body could be born. I could feel every little kick and squiggle as he maneuvered his way out. I went from all four to a squat and pulled his body up in front of me – he immediately let out of strong cry (the girls never did!) and both JP and I saw he was a boy! A SON! I wasn’t totally surprised…as I had other dreams indicating such, although I did assume she was a girl all along.

He was so vital, so alert and beautiful and alive, with dark hair and tiny dark eyes and gorgeously coloured skin. I fell in love with his heart shaped mouth and button nose, his large hands and skinny feet. All 8.5lbs of his perfect self. His sisters came in to marvel at him, to coo over his tiny limbs, then left the room to finish watching their movie 😉  I love that birth is a normal part of their existence. Born just 2 hours after I began my labour (although truly my body had been preparing for weeks) this was my quickest birth yet. It was also very wild and intense, primal and instinctual. It took me a few days to transition, for the reality of this baby’s birth to sink in and for my body and spirit to integrate the experience.

Odin is named after the Norse God of knowledge and wisdom, the all-father who rules over Asgard. He was named by his father, and I think it’s a perfect fit. The Sun King, born in the light of the Winter Solstice, of the earth element, this Capricorn has made me a Queen, once again.

 

Sacred Fertility For The Mystical Mama

Posted by Nov 12, 2017 Uncategorized
Sacred Fertility For The Mystical Mama

Wimyn are deeply intuitive creatures that experience the great cycles of birth, death and rebirth in their very bodies, on a monthly basis. Not only that, but wimyn’s bodies have the natural ability to flow in sync with the light of the moon. When wimyn live in close connection, they begin to menstruate at the same time, offering an opportunity to support and care for one another. In fact, this is what occurred in the times of the Red Tent, when wimyn would gather and rest during their moon time, away from the rest of the village.

Today, wimyn are led to believe that their moon time is something to be controlled and contained, sometimes even denied. We are a culture that values productivity, rather than honouring cycles, hormones and emotions. It is no wonder why a large percentage of modern wimyn are disconnected from their body’s rhythms. However, we do possess the old teachings within us and they are waiting to be awakened!

We can begin to change the generic cultural understanding surrounding menstruation by simply learning to honour this monthly flow. We can add ritual and ceremony back into the lives of our young girls and wimyn. A blessing way to celebrate menarche is a beautiful way to initiate a new woman into the sisterhood and create community. Even small recognitions are empowering. All children love to look at the moon! How wonderful would it be to learn that wimyn’s bodies can be in tune with the moon’s cycles as well!

The Sacred Moon Cycle

When we lived in communion with nature, we would flow with the cycle of the moon. We can see this to be true, when we live in ways that decrease artificial lighting and closer to the earth.

Becoming in tune with our cycles means more than just birth control or pregnancy achievement. It is reconnecting with all that it means to be a womyn, including honouring our energy levels at any given time.

The new moon marks the beginning of our cycle. It is common to bleed around this time. From the onset of bleeding until ovulation, is known as the follicular phase. This is when women feel energised and creative, when most big ideas and inspirations begin to take shape. This is a good time to take on the most energy intensive projects.

Ovulation coincides with the full moon. We feel sexual, charged, fertile and open. Wimyn emote pheromones that signal our partners in the natural world.

If an egg has not been fertilized, we enter the luteal phase and the waning of the moon. We are more sensitive at this time and in tune with what may not be working for us. We can use these messages as tools for self growth and should not dismiss these surfacing messages.

Observing our moon cycle as sacred will tune our frequency into cosmic consciousness.

Natural Fertility Awareness

Natural fertility awareness is a method that includes being mindful of daily changes in cervical mucus, morning basal metabolic temperature and cervical position. These very effective methods allow us to become in tune with the various stages of our cycle, including when we ovulate. Knowing when we ovulate is an extremely empowering process! It is what will allow us to encourage or discourage pregnancy and know our bodies better.

Practically speaking, there are 3 main ways to track your cycle. One is by observing your cervical mucus and the position of your cervix. You bleed on day one. A typical cycle can be anywhere from 21-34 days, the length of the cycle of the moon. When women bleed, it is usually referred to as their ‘moon time.’ After your moon time, cervical mucus is dry or non existent. Your cervix will feel firm, like the tip of your nose. As you approach ovulation, you will begin to notice a creamy white or yellowish cervical mucus that has a pleasant smell. A few days before ovulation it will become clear and stringy, taking on an egg white quality. You may feel more ‘wet’ than usual. Your cervix will feel soft and open, like your ear lobe. It is common to feel more sensual and open, creative and energetic during this time. We want to connect! After ovulation, we may begin to feel more insular and inward. Cervical mucus will become sticky and dry, cervix firm.
It is also helpful to track your waking basal metabolic temperature, using a chart. Body temperature is generally lower before ovulation, with a noticeable spike and rise post ovulation until the start of your menses.

Beginning to connect and honor our femininity is a beautiful first step in boosting fertility. Women are such gorgeous, intricate creatures and if we learn to respect our natural rhythms, we will become more powerful versions of ourselves.

In the moon time we become more in tune with nature, and more sensitive to shifts in mood, emotions and energy movements. Taking time to rest and reflect during our flow is important. The body is meant to be in a state of deep connection at this time. When old blood has returned back to the Earth, a surge of creativity, energy and sensuality follows. Pre- ovulation is the time to tackle large projects and be social, teach, share and create. Post- ovulation, we may begin to feel insular and less energetic as we approach menstruation and the dark moon. If we connect and honor this flow, we will entirely prevent what is commonly referred to as PMS.

Painful and uncomfortable symptoms of menstruation can occur because we may be resisting the process of womanhood. These physical sensations can be an ally, a way to be guided back into the wisdom of the womb. By drawing ourselves into these sensations, we can go deep into our own existence. The blood time or moon time is a time to go within, to feel and see the messages that the womb holds. She is balanced with the tides of the oceans, and the cycles of the moons. The womb gives life sustaining blood that is nurturing to all plants and to the Earth.

Fertility Nourishment

A woman who wishes to conceive may begin to see her nutrition as especially important. Everything she takes in will have an impact on her well being, including how she feeds her mind, body and spirit.

Food wise, it is a good idea to stay nourished on whole, organic when possible and mostly local foods. To keep blood sugar levels steady, eating small meals throughout the day is helpful, just like animals in nature do. Focusing on fresh fruits, vegetables, nuts, seeds and good fats such as avocado and coconut is ideal. Including soaked and cooked grains and beans can add a lot of satisfying nutrition to a woman’s body. There is a healthy nutrition plan to suit every budget, if we focus on what’s available locally.

Here are a few foods that are especially nourishing and fertility boosting:

Evening Primrose oil – this is available in capsules in most health food stores.

Good Fats – avocado, coconut oil, nuts and seeds and good quality fish oil.

Goji berries – Has been shown to increase sperm count and vitality.

Ashwagandha – known as the ‘strength of a stallion’, the adaptogenic herb helps to calm the nerves and aids the body in adapting to stress. This is very helpful during the prenatal period.

Nourishment Tea – a blend of nettle, raspberry leaf, oatstraw, rose petals and rosehip is very nourishing and prepares the womb for life. 3-4 cups of tea per day.

Mineral intake for men – we cannot forget that the man plays a significant role in the creation of life. They also must care to ensure the quality of their sperm.

Maca root – another adaptogen, this is a well known fertility herb for both men and women.

Chocolate – dark chocolate of the finest quality provides essential minerals such as magnesium, as well spirit boosting and positive overall effects on wellbeing.

Aside from gaining nourishment from foods, it is important for a healthy mother to feel connected to nature.

Spiritual Fertility

Making Space in your life

Do you have a sense of spaciousness in your life for a new baby? This is an important concept for all baby desiring wimyn to consider. We are often so busy, with work and social obligations that lack the basic capability to nurture our spiritual selves. Without time to self-care, to dream, to laugh and to create, we will barely feel like we have ‘space’ for yet another ‘demand’ on our time.

Wimyn should be encouraged to let go of responsibilities that are not serving them. All the extra ‘to dos’. Encourage getting good quality and enough sleep, less time on computers, obligatory meetings and mindless activities. Fill that space with nothingness. Freedom to take a long walk in nature, to listen to beautiful music, to take out water colours and paint, to sit and do nothing at all.

Daily affirmations and meditation

Learning to transfer fears and negative thought patterns into positive affirmations is an important ritual. It may feel silly or ‘fake’ at first, but it is effective. Sample affirmations may be: ‘I am healthy and fertile’, ‘I fall pregnant easily’, ‘I have a healthy and happy baby waiting for me’, ‘I will be a vibrant pregnant womyn’.

There are many possible variations and all should feel important and true to the mother. A special fertility birth altar is a beautiful way to welcome in a new spirit baby and provides a touchstone to come back to daily. Dreams and communication with your baby’s spirit is also powerful.

Welcoming a new life into the world can be a holistic and spiritual journey!

~~This material is an adaptation taken from the Mystical Mama Yoga book on pregnancy, birth and motherhood~~

 

The Home Water Birth of Selah ~ Baby #3

Posted by Oct 18, 2017 birth stories
The Home Water Birth of Selah ~ Baby #3

In June of 2015, I received a positive pregnancy test result in a Starbucks bathroom on a trip to Toronto. I should have been starting my moon cycle that day and just out of curiosity and boredom, I found myself slipping into a drugstore and buying a chocolate bar and a test. I couldn’t believe my eyes as that familiar excitement swept over me…I was vibrating with happiness and hope! As I left the coffee shop, I immediately called JP to share the news. I was walking down the busy streets on a beautiful day shouting, “I’m pregnant!” to the smiles of strangers strolling past.

Needless to say, he was elated. We were just too happy to let fear creep into our thoughts in those first few days.

That first trimester would prove to be an emotional roller coaster for me. I cried, a lot. I was scared. I also felt very alone in my experience. Most of my friends and family reacted with cautious and cordial well wishes and it was like I could sense their dread. I know Sage’s death was hard on many people in our lives, but their withholding of genuine excitement felt alienating to me. I cried at my friend’s wedding to a mutual friend who is a birth worker and I felt so silly and out of control. But she was supportive and loving and offered compassion. So did Vivianne, of course. Turns out, she was also expecting a baby! She was roughly 3 weeks ahead of me. I was aware of not wanting to lean too heavily upon her, as she was going through her own experience.

I was at home in Canada during this time, but we were going back to Japan at the end of August, roughly at the beginning of my fourth month. I spent this second trimester and most of the third in quiet consciousness. I walked every day, but I didn’t do anything too strenuous. I practiced gentle Yoga, but there were a lot of days that I let myself nap or take things slow. There was only one time when I convinced myself that I was miscarrying, but other than that I faced my fears and choose to trust in this experience. Part of that trust, was resolving not to seek any outside medical care throughout my pregnancy, birth or afterwards. At the time of this publishing, Selah is almost 3 years old and has never been to a doctor. She is thriving beautifully. In this pregnancy, I had shed another layer of illusion. I assumed full responsibility for the choice to create life and accepted all the beauty and pain that could come with it. Ultimately, there was nothing that an ultrasound or test would do for me, as I believed in the natural order of birth and yes, even the natural order of death. Trusting myself through this process has made me a much stronger and in tune woman. I was generally happy and very healthy, but I worked very consciously through my fears and demons.

I was expecting this baby to come in February or early March, somewhere in the midst of the hockey season and playoffs. I was left with a big choice. To birth in Japan with JP, or to go home and have Vivianne and Maggie there, as well as loving friends. JP’s schedule was pretty gruelling at this time, he traveled for long stretches and could have been away a lot around Selah’s birth. I felt that I would be more alone there, then at home. It was a very difficult decision, but I ultimately chose to go home in my 36th week. Szerafina came with me and we nested back into our little home in the city. My friends and sisterhood were amazing! I was nurtured and so well taken care of. Friends came to visit, helped me freeze meals, brought freshly baked bread and just spent time with us girls. It was a desperately harsh and cold winter, but we remained cozy. I loved our Saturday mornings at the farmer’s market, buying a fresh chicken almost every week to roast and turn into broth. I ate lots of nourishing soups, stews and curries during that time.

We had a Blessing Way almost immediately after I arrived back in Canada. A combination of a welcome home and ceremony for me and my baby. This time, it was held at Maggie’s house, and I consciously chose a combination of women that were both my good friends and those whom I admired as being strong voices in my community. A few of them, I only knew as acquaintances. I called on them, as sisters, to surround me with a higher level of strength and solidarity. I collected the group of women around me that I would need to call on in the following weeks and months postpartum. There was a completely different energy surrounding this blessing. It was empowering, uplifting, funny and supportive. It was everything that I needed, going into this birth experience.

The days rolled by and I felt so great in my body. So light and energetic, limber and strong. I knew that my belly was smaller than it was with both Szerafina and Sage, but that didn’t worry me. I ate lightly because I didn’t move much, being stuck inside due to the ice and snow. I had an amazing friend who took care of Szerafina sometimes during the week and also made a film of my birth and postpartum period. ‘Renalda’ was amazing. Her bright and cheery disposition was everything I needed. She often came over in the evenings to keep me company and let me cry freely, never letting me feel ashamed or uncomfortable for expressing my emotions. JP’s team was in the playoffs and there was a good chance that he’d win that year, meaning that he wouldn’t return home to us until the end of April. I was convinced that I’d give birth on or around his birthday, March 3, 2015. I secretly always wondered what it would be like to birth in the company of only women…I imagined a cozy haven of warmth…

The night before my birth process began, I was talking to a friend on the phone bragging about the abundant energy I was experiencing. I’m going to be pregnant forever! I laughed. I was staying up late into the night, which was a rare thing for me as I really enjoy going to sleep early. I had no indication whatsoever that I would be holding a baby in my arms the next night. I even talked to Vivianne who was going to attend another birth and was checking in with me to see how I felt. “Amazing!” I said, “go ahead and don’t worry about me.” Looking back, my bedtime routine was a little different and certainly gave me an indication that something was up. I usually don’t wear makeup, but on this night I crept downstairs to slice up beetroot to dab on my cheeks and lips. I was doing this in the mirror in the bathroom upstairs and I felt a little silly, but I relished in this girlish indulgence. I crawled into bed beside Szerafina and went to sleep. I awoke the next morning to dull sensations, something similar to braxton hicks that were rhythmic and continuous.

I panicked a little. I wasn’t ready!! My house was messy and my friend was coming to tidy up my dreadlocks and I just plain wasn’t prepared yet. I called JP and he said something that annoyed me, which should have tipped me off right then. I called Vivianne next and she said to see how my morning progressed and to call back at lunch hour. Renalda came to take Szerafina for a few hours while I sat in my living room getting my hair done. It was a really lovely way to pass this early phase of labour. I was still in denial, asking her to stop working so that I could go to the washroom multiple times. I was emptying my bowels and passing some mucous.

Maggie arrived around 2pm as I was on the living room floor on my hands and knees, still not really believing that this was ‘it’. ‘Oh! You really are in labour!’ she exclaimed, probably because I was so non committal to her on the phone. Slowly a few of my close friends came by, offered massage, began cooking, filling up the birth pool, and puttered around in a quiet haze around me. Like an elephant in labour, I felt the safety and security of my women creating the outer circle yet giving me lots of space to feel unobserved.

**

Fully embracing my sensuality in the soft light of the blue winter dusk, I rocked and undulated in the warm water of the birth pool, holding tight to the firm inner handles. In between sensations I lifted myself up over the rounded edge, allowing my back and shoulders to breath, and the weight of my body to be supported by the warm cocoon. When I felt the ocean wave coming to sweep me clear of thought and tumble me deep into the depths of birth’s lair, I’d sink low and deep into my squat, moaning with a pleasurable knowing. This rhythm was strong and good, deep and sublime.

From the far corners of my subconscious I sensed my sisters floating around the periphery of my space, like faery godmothers keeping busy with important worldly things that I needed not think about, and protecting the sanctity of our cosmic dimension and altered state of consciousness. It felt as if there was a magic spell enveloping my whole house, so that anyone passing by on the icy streets was made to not even look in our direction. Inside, everything glowed and sparkled with peaceful warmth. Light whispering, giggles, nursing baby and the heavy feet of my five year old princess pacing her way delightfully from my birthing lair to the women’s circle downstairs.

Aware of the pressure building in my exquisite body, I delicately reached my fingers into the familiar space of my yoni, feeling as I have so many times before. I only made it a tiny way in, before the tips of my fingers were electrified by the bulge of the cull of waters and my baby’s head within it. What encouragement and strength I gathered from this simple touch, as if my baby transmuted a force field of energy right through me, directly into my veins and into the depths of my very soul.

I looked up at my wise woman and firmly declared what I knew. “She’s right here! Her head. I think. Come and check, too.” Feel what I feel, confirm I am not dreaming, I gift you with a spark of electricity. She nodded her head. She smiled. She lay sweetly on the bed before me to nurse her 3 weeks old baby to sleep. I looked up at my other woman, caressing my back as a lover would, fully enthralled and committed to me. Every touch saying, “that’s right…go deeper…yes…that’s right…let it go.”

I rose with the next crescendo of energy moving through my body, lifted my torso out of the water and came to my knees, allowing my head to roll back as I give the gentle push and shift that I knew was needed to release the blessed waters that enveloped my child. The pressure gave with a great rise in pleasurable intensity, a loud and affirming ‘YESSSSS!’ escaped my lips. She’s coming, I’m coming, it’s all coming, this cosmic being is being birthed into reality after months of prayer, turmoil, fear, joy and the entire melting pot that it is to carry life. I completely surrendered with the final surge that took me away while my body burst open to allow this gorgeous creature to swim free.

‘God HELP me!’ I yell, for she is ALIVE and I can feel her vitality and life force electrify me, and I am in a peaked state of utter bliss and power.

I gently lifted my daughter out of the water and held her to my breast. She looked up at me, eyes wide open, as blue and vast as the oceans of my heart. My 5 year old daughter exclaimed, ‘A sister! It’s what I wanted!’ with pure, giddy excitement.

And so she came to be, a symbol of power and might, of all that it means to be feminine and strong.

Transformation Through Loss ~ The Soul Birth of Sage ~ Baby #2

Posted by Oct 17, 2017 birth stories, Transformation Through Loss
Transformation Through Loss ~ The Soul Birth of Sage ~ Baby #2

There are three things that I remember most about being pregnant with Sage. The first was how much I yearned for her. I was pretty much ready to have another baby the minute Szerafina was born and by her six month birthday, would have definitely gotten pregnant had my period returned by then. It was a good thing I didn’t, in retrospect. There was a lot to be learned in those first two years of motherhood and a lot of replenishing to be done. A month after her second birthday, a period! It feel like an eternity had passed and I was elated. I got pregnant in February and I miscarried that baby early on, at about 6 weeks.

I got pregnant again soon after that loss. I remember taking a pregnancy test minutes before entering a yoga class in the changeroom and spending that entire class praying, ‘please baby stay, please baby stay with me’ in my head. That baby didn’t stay. I began bleeding at around 8 weeks and I remember thinking how awful it was going to be to tell my husband, daughter and friends. Again? What was wrong with me.

I let a few months go by before being open to experiencing pregnancy again. Just the magic of being with a child one day at a time. I discovered that we conceived a few weeks before Szerafina’s third birthday. I was happy. Scared, but mostly grateful. I remember celebrating the fact that at least we didn’t have trouble making a baby! The early months went by slowly, but with no real significance. I was living in Japan at the time, but would be in Canada for the birth in the summer. I went to see a Japanese doctor for a few months, mostly to do the socially acceptable thing, and a little just to have something to celebrate the mini milestones with.

The second thing that really lingers with me about my pregnancy with Sage, was the family vacation to Hawaii that we took in April. Szerafina was 3. Old enough to play on the beach happily with her Papa and let me snooze deliciously in the sunshine almost every afternoon. With a six month belly, I was glowing and deliriously proud. I practiced Yoga in the mornings outside, ate refreshing acai bowls and enjoyed some local pastured beef burgers. I remember the intense craving I had for meat and the satisfaction of taking it in, much to the (happy) horror of my husband. He had never seen me eat meat with so much gusto before. I choose my moments, but I listened to exactly what my body craved. I loved coming home to Nova Scotia with bronzed skin and a growing baby. I really enjoyed being pregnant in the summer, I welcomed the heat, lake swimming, farmer’s markets and flowy dresses. After I saw that doctor in Japan a few times, I decided that I wasn’t going to see a physician at all for the rest of the pregnancy. I just didn’t see the point. I had a healthy homebirth at home in Hungary with Szerafina, and I was going to do the same in Canada.

After much searching, I got connected with two beautiful women who would support me for the next few months and grow to become two of my closest friends and confidants. I’d never met either of them before, but they committed to loving and supporting me and my wishes for a home birth right from our first conversation. Our relationship only began about two months before Sage was born, but they changed my life forever.

The third event that vividly sticks with me about my pregnancy with Sage was my Blessing Way. My friend who acted as my primary birth attendant, I’ll call her ‘Vivianne’, wanted to organise a mother’s blessing for me. It sounded interesting, but I’d never heard of a Blessing Way before. I was intrigued and also a little nervous because I don’t really enjoy being the center of attention and also feel like I had an eclectic group of friends at the time. I had been living out of the country for four years at that point and didn’t have a strong community, or so I thought.

It was a Friday evening, a hot night in July and my living room was filled with about 10 women, JP and Szerafina. It is sort of unusual to have a man at a Mother’s Blessing, but that’s how it happened for us. We sat around in a circle and Vivianne asked everyone to take turns in telling the story of how they met me. It was such an emotional exercise and everyone was in tears, speaking wonderful words of adoration and praise for me. Truly, I had never experienced anything like that in all my life and was so filled with love, peace and joy. All these women gifted me a meaningful bead, which was made into a necklace that I wore around my neck. The spirit of the necklace was to guide me through the experience of birth with strength and courage. Everyone made an offering to bring to a woman’s shelter and we said a prayer for all mothers in the world who didn’t have the love and support that I did. I remember JP crying when it was his turn to speak. Later he said that he was overwhelmed to see that everyone saw what he saw in me everyday. We spent the rest of the evening making art, feasting, decorating my belly with henna and putting fresh flowers in my hair. The baby danced as my friends painted my belly and we all laughed. JP and I made love twice that day and once again in the morning. I don’t ever remember feeling happier. Vivianne stayed the night and came with us to the farmer’s market on Saturday morning, leaving us after breakfast. It was the first time she met JP and it was a good opportunity for us all to spend some quality time together.

I remember waking up on Saturday morning and having Szerafina rub my belly and talk to the baby, as she always did. The little kicks and punches she would receive in response would delight her. JP would only have to put his hand on my skin and the baby would squirm all around, so much so that I’d always have to put an end to their game of torturing Mamma, and we’d all laugh. I didn’t even think of it, but that morning, there were no jabs or kicks in response to their loving coos. Sleeping in, I thought to myself.

I hardly touched my favourite egg wrap at the market and Vivianne remarked that I looked uncomfortable. Indeed I was! ‘My belly is so heavy!’ I exclaimed. ‘I feel like it’s sitting on my lap’. Lighthearted. I was up late the night before, I figured I was in need of a nap. The rest of the day passed and I got to the evening, uncomfortably thinking that I hadn’t felt the baby move all day. Or I probably just didn’t notice. I figured I should get to sleep.

When I woke on Sunday morning, I knew things weren’t good. She didn’t move. I called Szerafina over and asked her to put her head to my belly, talk to the baby and listen for the response. ‘It’s quiet Mamma! She said nothing!’. I went through the day in disbelief. I drank coffee, coca cola and lots of orange juice. I didn’t drink any of these things in my pregnancy, but I did everything to inspire a response. I poked, massaged and prodded at my belly. I felt her, but she didn’t nudge back. ‘Wake up, sweet baby’ I kept saying, ‘Wake up….please stay. Please baby stay’. I went swimming in the lake that afternoon and layed in the sun. I was in denial. JP looked at me periodically, and I shook my head, ‘no’. By Sunday evening, he suggested I call Vivianne. It was 10pm and I didn’t want to bother her. ‘I’m sorry to call so late’, I said. ‘It’s probably nothing. But I haven’t felt the baby move today. Or yesterday…maybe’. I was waiting for encouragement. The words telling me that there was nothing to worry about.

She said, ‘I have to be honest. I don’t like hearing this from you.’

I decided to go to bed. To cuddle up with my family and get rest. I knew that nothing could be changed in that moment. I resolved to go and get an ultrasound in the morning.

Monday morning came and JP and I went. Dealing with the hospital was truly a horrific experience. They gave me at least 4 ultrasounds, on different machines, on different hospital floors, with different doctors and technicians. No one telling us anything. No one wanting to confirm what we already knew. When finally, we got to the doctor who said the words, ‘I’m sorry. We can’t find a heartbeat’, I wanted to throw up and disappear. I wanted the world to disappear. More than sadness and heartbreak, I was panicking over the fear of the feat ahead of me. I kept thinking, ‘There’s no way i’m going to give birth to this baby. There’s absolutely no way that I can give birth to a dead baby. I can’t do this’.

I begged for a c-section. They denied my request. To my shock. The doctor said, ‘You’ll be induced and give birth on the maternity ward’. With all the other mothers. Giving birth to their living babies. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I called Vivianne from the waiting room and she echoed JP, ‘You can’t have a cesarian. You don’t want to do that’. When she said that she was coming to support us, I finally burst into tears. I somehow assumed that she wouldn’t come. My baby died, what was the point? ‘I love what I do,’ she said. ‘And i’m going to be there for you, for it all’.

JP and I went home to Szerafina and the babysitter. I took my friend outside and told her in the most awkward way. It just didn’t seem real. I was in shock. I don’t remember how the rest of the day went. I was supposed to go to the hospital that evening to begin the induction process. They would begin with a cervical gel, 3 applications of it, 6 hours apart. I didn’t want to go to the hospital, but I didn’t know what else to do. As I had time to rest and let things settle, I decided that a natural birth was still what I wanted for Sage. This baby deserved the birth that she was meant to have. I didn’t even know if I could have a natural birth, if the death of my baby changed the way that I would birth her. I just didn’t know. I was afraid to see what she would look like. At this point I didn’t know whether she was a girl or a boy, or what her name would be. The last ultrasound that day showed that my fluid levels were good and that the baby was fully developed and nothing out of the ordinary could be seen. It was important for JP to know why our baby died. He wanted to have an autopsy. At that point, it didn’t matter to me either way.

There was a point on Saturday morning when Vivianne was looking at the course I was studying. It was a natural herbalist program with Rosemary Gladstar. The course binder said ‘SAGE’ in big letters across it for ‘Sage Mountain Herbs’. I had been studying for a year, but really into tincture making, tea blending and natural body products that summer. I saw that name pop up over and over again. In describing the course to Vivianne, I lightly said, ‘Oh Sage. Yes…that’s a beautiful name’.

Vivianne arrived and so did our second birth attendant, ‘Maggie’. Maggie stayed with Szerafina while Vivianne, JP and I went to the hospital for that first application of cervical gel. I remember the complete sterile room and robotic nurses. They were ‘nice’, but it was all so impersonal and unfamiliar. They didn’t want to let me go home and I was mortified. Spend the night there and be under their control? Szerafina was home and I wanted to spend the evening close to her in the comfort of my own bed. I had to negotiate with the nurse, put on an act and play that I was more obedient than I was. JP had already told them that we originally wanted to give birth at home, so they were employing all their scare tactics. I’d hemorrhage. I’d get a fever and die. The baby would come so fast and I would be at risk. They finally let me go, but I had to promise to be back at 2 in the morning for the second installment of the cervical gel. I didn’t go. I decided to sleep and get as good of a night’s rest as I could. I knew I had a long road ahead of me. I also wanted to avoid as many interventions as possible, if I was to have the least traumatic birth possible. I began taking blue and black cohosh tincture, in high doses. That got things started as I felt light braxton hicks like sensations throughout the night.

I woke in the morning with a resolve. I was going to be strong and get through this. I didn’t know any other way to be, in order to survive what I would do. I showered, put on a comfortable but nice black cotton dress. I tied my hair back very deliberately and scented and oiled my skin. It was like I was preparing for battle. ‘Are you ready for this?’ Vivianne asked when she saw me in the morning, ‘I think so’, I replied. I sat at the edge of the bed where she had slept and she took my hand. Szerafina came into the room and hugged me, her beautiful blond hair getting all silky on my oily skin. One thought that broke my heart the most was having to break the news to my little girl that she wasn’t going to have a brother or sister anymore. I felt so much responsibility and guilt for both her and JP’s loss. I felt like a failure.

We told some people that day what was happening. Our parents, some very close friends. Their reactions and cries just put more pressure on me. I couldn’t deal with any of it. I felt like I had to be in my own zone, ready to be strong. I couldn’t break down yet. As we got ready to go to the hospital that morning, Vivianne reminded me that we could still do this at home. In those moments, I just couldn’t wrap my head around what we would do with my baby’s body afterwards. It was a fear that I couldn’t even express out loud. I was scared of what she would look like, even though I knew she only died a day ago.

At the hospital the second time it was much more difficult to navigate the staff as they were not pleased with me skipping protocol and not coming in for the cervical gel the night before. They sent a social worker to come and talk to me, to assess me. ‘How are you?’ she asked. I just looked at her, in disbelief. Could this actually be real? This patronising woman here with her critical gaze in the most horrendous time in my life. I was afraid to show emotion or to break down, I felt I had to give the ‘correct’ answers so that I could go home again to labour in peace. It was like being held in captivity. The nurse on duty held her hand on my belly for one hour making small talk with me, so that she could watch my reaction during my sensations. I told her I wasn’t having any, but she didn’t believe me. It’s true, I was in the labour process but I knew that I had a long time to go still and I didn’t want to stay there. I faked small talk. It was humiliating and degrading. She said things like, ‘Oh this baby will come so fast, dear, you have to stay here where it’s safe’ and, ‘Oh you don’t want this baby naturally, you take all the pain medication you can get. You’re in enough pain as it is’ and, ‘Your first baby was 9 pounds?! Oh my, you have a high pain tolerance!’ and other nonsense statements that just enraged me.

I finally broke down in tears when they brought me a death certificate to fill out. Through blurred vision and heartbreak, I had to fill out a name. But I hadn’t chosen one! Vivianne reminded me that I liked the name Sage. It’s true, I did. And that’s when I named her.

Finally, mid morning, JP and I left the hospital. At home I lay down in bed and felt sensations while Szerafina lay beside me. I just lay with my eyes closed, letting them wash over me. As I was carried away into the birth trance, my baby Sage was speaking to me. She was this gorgeous chubby baby, floating up in the clouds and she was saying, ‘It’s OK Mamma, you can let me go now. It’s OK Mamma, you have to let me go’. It was a hypnotic mantra and she was with me the entire time, supporting me. She was smiling and happy. I saw her get on a tiger’s back with 3 other babies and they were in a large expansive yellow field, with a forest in the background. It took me some time, but months later I realised that those other babies were the spirits that I had birthed in earlier miscarriages. The tiger had first appeared to me when I gave birth to Szerafina, giving me strength and protection. Vivianne came in to offer me some food. I didn’t want to eat anything. I turned away. She lightly put her hand on my shoulder and said very gently, ‘You have to participate in the process…’ She was right. I got up and went downstairs to my living room. I lit the candles that all my women had given me at my Blessing Way ceremony. I sat there and cried and cried. This was it. I knew I had to go to the hospital so that I could fully let go. I felt the energy and all the love that was given to me, just two days before. The henna still adorned my body.

Maggie stayed with Szerafina while Vivianne, JP and I left. I had to stop walking with every sensation. The nurse gave me a wheelchair and we used it to carry our stuff. I was in another world. I remember the hospital staff being surprised that I had gone into labour without them putting me on pitocin. The one thing I felt thankful for in those moments, was for the merciful nurse on duty who respectfully honoured my wishes to be left alone. ‘Ring if you need me’ she said before she left. I went into the hot shower, curtains pulled, lights turned off and door mostly shut. Just JP and I. I was standing for a while, legs apart and knees bent, allowing JP to hold the showerhead just so I would feel the pressured stream of warm water on my back. I was letting go, feeling mentally and physically ready to allow this baby to come through me. Vivianne would come from behind the shower curtain only to offer me sips of bone broth, nourishment tea or water with orange juice. I remember how lovely it was to have different tastes of liquid to pass through me. I was being loved and I felt safe. After a time I wanted to squat in the bath tub and when I became hot and restless, I moved to the hospital floor. I could see the hard cold bed above me, but we brought our own wool blankets and yoga mats so I didn’t have to climb up onto that narrow bed. Rocking on all fours, sensations were coming more intensely and close together and I began to lose my resolve.

Why go through all this pain for a baby that I will never hold awake in my arms? Why should I endure this for a baby that I would never put to my breast? Why was I putting myself through this pain? I didn’t think I could endure it any longer. I suppose Spirit was working with me as right in those panicked moments my waters released and Sage quickly followed after. I could feel JP at my side and Vivianne behind, telling me to go slow. I had no control, Sage was emerging with no urges to push on my part. Vivianne held her head while the rest of her emerged and I heard the sound of her little body land on the floor. It was a very loud thump in a very quiet room.

I would later repeat that sound in my dreams and nightmares for days, months and years to come.

I heard myself cry, ‘Oh God, no, I can’t. Oh God, no, I can’t do it’. I think Vivianne was concerned at that point, she didn’t want me to hemorrhage. She sternly told me that I had to pull myself together. It was a tough, motherly love. It was enough to bring me back into the present moment. I was so afraid to look at my baby. I didn’t know what I would see and wondered if I would find her miss shapen or overtaken by death. I turned and sat back on my heels and looked down at her, laying face up on the blankets.

She….

was beautiful. She was perfect. She was so incredibly sweet and cute. She was mine. JP and Vivianne saw before I did, that she had a double true knot in her umbilical cord. So very clearly the cause of her death. It was so tragic and sad, we just wept and wept for all that we had lost. For her pain and suffering. I imagined her being cut off from her life support and it nearly choked me with grief. I covered her body with a yellow blanket, thinking in this far away place in my brain that I didn’t want her to get cold. It was strange, this hollow sound of our crying in the sterile room. Faintly, I could hear other babies, live ones, being born in the rooms next to ours. It felt so unfair, so immensely painful.

The nurse came in and was taken by surprise and I wanted to cover Sage and protect her. I heard myself say to the woman, “It’s ok, everything’s ok. I’m ok. She’s ok. I just need some time with her, can you leave please”. She said yes. She would have to come back though, and the doctor would have to come to check me. I hated that. That I would still have to play sane so that they would let me leave right away so that I could be home. I got into a freshly poured bath with Sage and admired her beautiful body. She was so fragile, even at over 7lbs. I didn’t want to touch too much, I already felt her physical body melting away like quicksand and I wanted her to stay. We wrapped her up and Vivianne took some photos of her and snipped a locket of hair. We got her foot prints. All things I couldn’t care to think about at the time, but that I’m so thankful to have now. I was immediately grateful for those things in the days after, after her physical body was taken away from me I had no other tangible proof that she had been real. Maggie brought Szerafina into the room to meet her sister. I was so sad, so sorry, that I had to tell my daughter that her sister wasn’t alive. I could have died with the weight of it. Szerafina was so gentle, her reaction so accepting. She loved Sage, curiously examined her and wanted to see her fingers and toes. ‘So small!’ she remarked, ‘but why are her eyes closed?’.

I don’t know how I found words, but I said something like Sage had a short life and that she wasn’t going to come home with us. That her spirit had left her body and that she couldn’t stay. To my astonishment, Szerafina accepted Sage’s death with grace. She taught me so much and helped me grieve in those early weeks and months. She would go on to question more and show that she too, felt the loss of her sister, but it was and is always something that we freely talk about. Her memory is fully alive with us in our prayers each and everyday.

A few hours later I was walking out of the hospital, arm in arm with my husband, weakly walking to our car. Past all the people, past the mothers with their babies. It was incredibly jarring and I wanted to be home as quickly as possible. We pulled up to the most beautiful scene of Szerafina picking wild flowers from our front garden for bouquets inside. Maggie made a delicious chicken soup and I ate two bowls. It was the first thing I had eaten in days and it felt wonderfully nourishing. I didn’t want her to leave, but Vivianne had to go back to her family and Maggie had to go too. It had been a long few days and we all needed rest.

I wasn’t exactly sure what to do next. I felt so empty and lost. JP and I cried every night together, but he had to return to work right away and I had Szerafina to take care of. My friends came to clean our house and offer support and love. Our immediate family were heartbroken and I was overwhelmed by their grief. I feel like I kept them at a distance in the initial first weeks as I was tending to my own immediate pain.

We had Sage’s body cremated and took her remains to Mason’s Beach in Lunenburg, a special place for our family. We had a beautiful little ceremony where we each said a few words on the beach, sat on the quilt I made for her and released some of her ashes into the ocean. We took pictures, cried and held each other close. These days were heartbreaking, especially as my milk came in, spilling from my swollen breasts.

I was filled with a great need to nurture and grow something, of course, that is not too difficult to understand. What was strange to me, was my great desire to create and live, even more vibrantly than before. I had no desire (although it would have been justifiable) to lay in bed or mourn at home for long periods of time. I wanted to be sharing. I remember going to my sewing class a week after her birth and my teacher being supportive, but apprehensive about my presence. I wanted to finish the post partum dress that I was sewing. I wanted to wear it. It was made from beautiful Italian fabric, a dark forest green with cream coloured flowers throughout. Other people didn’t know how to react to me either, even friends. Many people didn’t say anything at all when they would see me on the street or the farmer’s market. The idea of my baby dying too great, too uncomfortable, too big of a taboo to address. I was seeing the world through a new lense, everything changed. A filter had been taken off my life and I despised the fake and false realities. I began a process of transformation. I’m not sure what it was, but it was like a coming out. I began to grow my hair in dreadlocks and started my online yoga and nutrition business. In that year, I wrote 3 online programs and a natural beauty product recipe book. I traveled to teach yoga and started to coach clients online. I hosted two retreats. It was satisfying at the time. It was like I didn’t want to waste another day being anything other than authentically me. I began speaking out about homebirth and natural birth, a natural lifestyle and other facets of my life that I had kept reserved for only my closest friends. I really came alive in a new way.

Sage, true to her name, taught me a lot about living. I think death and loss have the potential to move people in this way, if we are given the opportunity to explore the depths and to talk about it. We can accept and ritualise souls departing in very meaningful and celebratory ways, but we have to be able to open the flood gates. I also now know that death, just like birth, belong at home and I’ve become more and more interested in this process.

Her footprints rest on my altar, are tatooed on her father’s back, are etched on my heart.

Forever part of me.

The Homebirth of Szerafina ~ Baby #1

Posted by Oct 16, 2017 birth stories ,
The Homebirth of Szerafina ~ Baby #1

Remember what you came here for.

This is what our midwife said as she placed the palm of her hand on Szerafina’s forehead. Leaning over our intertwined resting bodies, she smiled. With an exhausted body but amplified mind, I was able to lay with my new daughter at my breast and husband by our side.

The story of Szerafina, really begins with the story of Maeve, the name we gave to the very first baby girl that I carried in my womb for 12.5 weeks before she decided she couldn’t stay. We were living in Hungary, freshly married and on the verge of a cascade of adventures in foreign lands. I didn’t remember, yet, what it was to trust my body and the pregnancy and birth process. I had many early scans with this first child and ultimately a D&C (Dilation and Curettage procedure) that was dramatically devastating. On my healing journey, I came to a belief that there had to be a better way to experience coming into motherhood. It was divine timing, how I came upon the two women who would walk with me for the next year or so of my life. These women who spoke English in an almost entirely Hungarian speaking country, who were kind, knowledgeable, generous with their time and skills and who set me on my path in natural, autonomous and empowered mothering. I have so much gratitude for the brief yet poignant time that Maeve grew with me, she was the catalyst to my life as I now live it.

I knew almost nothing about homebirth at this point. JP and I would drive to the midwife’s house in the countryside and she would serve me herbal teas from her apothecary, ask how I was feeling, inquire about my relationship to my own mother and how she gave birth to me. She asked if I had fears, what I wanted for this baby and wanted to know what I was nourishing myself with. It was ethereal, familiar, emotional…yet still so far. JP briefly hesitated when I mentioned the prospect of me giving birth at home, only to fully offer his support as my warrior and solid ground very swiftly and confidently. The politics were messy, as usual. It was considered illegal to homebirth but I had entered the portal. There was no turning back.

On November 29, 2009, I had awoken somewhere between 7 and 8 that morning, finally rising out of the warmth of our bed after an evening of light sleep accompanied by mild discomfort and the three routine trips to the bathroom. I ate my breakfast slowly and with curiosity as I wondered if the somewhat rhythmic tightening of my uterus was of the regular Braxton-hicks variety I’d been experiencing rather frequently. I was 40 weeks and 4 days pregnant.

I glanced at the clock when the numbers read 10.30am. I called our midwife to let her know my sensations were regular and she told me to call her back when they were ten minutes apart. I timed them for an hour and was surprised to discover that they were already three to four minutes apart and lasting anywhere between forty-five to sixty seconds long.

Feeling calm and focused, I wrapped myself in warm layers and began slowly rotating my hips on a birth ball. Apparently it wasn’t cold, but I was chilled to the bone and unable to stop shivering. JP came home from work to find me breathing steadily and meditating on the distant world outside our bedroom window. He stayed with me through a few of the stronger waves, when an unexpected and forceful gush of warm liquid burst all over the birth ball and floor – my waters released! I called our midwife who was on her way and she said I could get into the pool if I wanted (I wanted!). She then asked me a question that threw me off, she asked if I had felt the baby move. I was in such sensory overload that I couldn’t differentiate what was happening within my body. In a small wave of panic I asked JP to listen for the steady beat, as he was accustomed to doing almost every night before bed. He did and after a few short seconds he assured me that our baby was well and strong. I didn’t doubt him for a second.

Our doula arrived first, followed by our midwife who entered the space without disrupting the trance, the dance that was yielding with or without my consent. They bore into my eyes, into my soul, and in an unspeakably powerful way, I felt protected and safe.

They didn’t ask me questions, tell me how to move, touch me or even check my ‘progress’, they simple readied themselves to bare witness to our experience. Yet, as I stared out the window and felt the cool autumn breeze against my wet skin, I wept with the thought that this was the truest unadultered raw state of beauty I would ever experience.

I cried.

I cried as the sky was an overwhelming grey streaked with vivid purple hues. I cried as I allowed the tears to wash away layers and allowed nature to bend me at the knees. I cried at the unknown and the fear of knowing.

At this point I needed something, I wasn’t sure what. My husband guided me to the birth ball at the suggestion of our midwife, to help bring Szerafina’s head down the birth canal. I gripped him hard as the scent of cedar essential oil washed over me, feeling the skilled hands of my doula working rhythmically into my lower back.

I felt her squirm and move to help herself down my uterus. The next few hours were intense, I felt pain, but I felt powerful.

When I was ready to push I instinctively layed on the floor on my left side and I remember being very direct with everyone, telling them where to stand, how to hold me and where to apply pressure. I felt fear, but once I initiated the pushing with confidence, my body took over with overwhelming force. The rest between pushing contractions was unbelievably good. Her head appeared, then her body all at once.

She was calm. It was dark and not a cry passed her lips. She was placed directly on my chest and it was a few moments before I even knew if I had just given birth to a girl or boy! She latched onto my breast with ease and we lay there together in the same spot on the floor for two hours, undisturbed. We were in love, we were in awe.

I remember the moonlight as it cast a knowing glow into the bedroom window and onto the bed where we lay. We were wrapped and woven into the fabric that connected all human beings gazing at that very same light, at that very same moment.

Giving birth was more than having a baby; it was a right of passage, the chance to experience transcendence, see God, to feel what ‘oneness’ meant. In that instance, for the first time in my life I didn’t question what I had come here to this earth for. In that fleeting moment, everything made sense. I had a glimpse of knowing, and am forever grateful.